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Hi, I'm Rick. You may remember me from the photo of me jockeying a dolphin. But I'm not here to talk about that. I'm here to discuss atheism, and why I don't believe in God.
The term atheism comes from the Greek god Atheos, who never believed in himself. He isn't to be confused with Agnostius, who- despite support from his parents- claimed to be indecisive on whether or not he was real. Atheos, however, was much more convincing; even being known to preach to the pious about how he wasn't real and how any rumors of his existence could be nullified by using scientific facts and logic. Atheos was unfortunately ridiculed throughout most of his tenure as a Greek god, finally deciding he would prove the reality of evolution by inventing the duck-billed platypus and freaky fish that walked in the desert.
But everyone knows that. What I want to bring to the table is the other aspects of atheism that people aren't so versed upon. Atheists blend comfortably into society- that's right, we walk among you- and in many cases, you can't even tell us apart from real human beings. Except in my case; I brandish my belief system over my heart in the form of a huge letter A which stands for Atheist, for any of you who haven't read The Scarlet Letter. Also I tattooed a phrase about there being no gods to my wrist, in one of the ancient holy languages.
But aside from my inherent, disbelieving coolness, I live a pretty normal life, much the same as anyone else who isn't poor or without legs. On Sunday mornings, I get out of bed early, put on nice clothes, and drive down to the local Atheist Temple to pray to science that all of the Christians will wake up and see the light of logic, and thusly be spared the atrocious horror of an afterlife. This may sound like church to you, but I assure you there is no similarity. For one, we drink wine; because wine is a hip and modern thing to do. Also we eat crackers to keep us thirsty for more wine. And we sit on benches, clutching Carl Sagan novels and listening to a man who knows more about atheism than we talk about things pertaining to existence and the universe.
The most important aspect of atheism is understanding evolution. I hear creationists talking about evolution all the time and it makes me sick. They don't know what they're talking about. I don't want to preach here... but I will. Evidence of evolution is all around us; from the slightly smaller pinkies on our hands, to Susan Boyle's ironically beautiful voice. Every day, we see signs of evolution and the parochial-minded Christians ignore Evolution's many forms. A man once told me that he planted tomato seeds and genuinely believed that if he prayed to God- trusting in His innate goodness- that the tomato seeds would evolve into watermelons. The man- when faced with the reality of the tomatoes- claimed that he had proven that evolution was a myth. But I could only shake my head at him.
Evolution doesn't work like that. If you're taking a scientific approach, you can't pray to God that your hypothesis will be correct. That's just silly. You have to pray to Science. I have prepared an example of such prayer, in the form of a haiku (my wife loves haiku's).
Evolution does
Not work how you think it does
You are a moron.
I also compose dirty limericks pertaining to Science and gross stuff.
Now aside from Sunday mornings at the Atheist Temple, and teaching my friends how to pray to Science, I spend a lot of time trying to convert the heathens that would dare to believe in religions other than atheism. My facebook page is rife with links to learned men with beards talking about science and the stars and stuff. Also, I enjoy amputee porn. I enjoy this because I can't trust regular porn- which may involve Christians or Jews, and I can't be aroused by them- but amputee porn is a solid bet considering most people who have had one or more limbs removed from their bodies leaving only disturbing, wiggling stumps can't possibly believe in a god who would do this to them.
Also, I enjoy listening to Beck. I do this because nobody can stand Beck and if I play it loud enough and repeat the same song over and over in my kitchen, I can get people to agree to anything.
And despite the Christians telling me that sin will render my wife's womb infertile- or fill it with the fetus of a pagan- we were recently graced with a son. You can send your congratulations in the form of crisp, clean, non-sequential bills. This thing poops a lot. But we didn't have our baby (whom I have secretly named Darwin, despite what I tell everyone else) Baptised, against the wishes of many ignorant people. Instead, I dipped him in a pond, whose cool, bacterial waters will expose him to many minor illnesses now, so that he may not suffer them later by accident. While I did this, I prayed to Science while holding a book of Newton's theories that Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy would fall out of love, break up nationally, then die of some terrible flesh-eating bacteria which would- before killing them- render them both limbless nuggets, so that I may watch their final hobbling thrusts in the form of pornography.
All seems to be going well so far. But that's what you get when you criticize vaccination.
Until we meet again,
May Science be with you
And may we all meet again in the Goldilocks Zone
Rick Myers
