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Grady said something about there being seven days because of something about the Julian Calendar coming from Julius Caesar and that offends me. What does Caesar have to do with the calendar? And besides, Caesar wasn't even a Christian.
Also, Grady is always talking about how Jesus was a Jew and that offends me. Jesus was A CHRISTIAN! Duh! The Jews don't even believe in Jesus, which is why they're all going to Hell and why they don't get to celebrate Christmas.
Also, Grady says that dinosaurs went extinct millions of years before man walked the Earth and that offends me. Everyone knows that Noah reserved a spot for dinosaurs on the Ark and that man and dinosaurs lived together in harmony. And all that "millions of years" business offends me. The Earth is only 6,000 years old and I know that because the Bible says so.
I believe everything the Bible says and I'm the most perfect, holiest Christian ever because I judge people constantly based on the standards laid down by God on the mountain. If I didn't judge people, I wouldn't be a good Christian and I know that because all good Christians are constantly judging other people.
Also, I like to claim that the Muslims are to blame for everything, cuz... Well, just look at them. They're all terrorists.
Grady says that most people are sheep because they mindlessly follow others and can't make decisions for themselves and that offends me. Maybe the sheep aren't all followers! Maybe they all just had the same idea at the exact same moment because of Magic or because God spoke to them. Just because I change my Facebook profile pic to a cartoon character the same day that all of my friends did doesn't make me a sheep. God just spoke to us all, and we obeyed.
Besides, Silverhawks is the best.
Grady says that when I say "Silverhawks is the best" that I'm worshipping a false idol and that offends me. Also, he says that changing my picture to a picture of Silverhawk is vain and, therefore, a sin and that offends me. And he said something about graven images being a sin and that offends me because I don't understand it.
When I tried to catch Grady up by saying "Now I'm talking about the Chicago Bears, I must be a sheep because I'm watching entertainment for the masses," and Grady just said he was watching the Bears, too, and that offends me because I couldn't make him slip up and say something contradictory.
Grady criticizes everything and that offends me. I once asked him why he has to ask all these stupid rhetorical questions about everything and he said, "A wise man questions everything," and that offends me because I'm not sure what it means. And one day I told him that he should look in the mirror and judge himself (I said 'thyself' because I'm a good Christian) and he said,
"I look in the mirror every day and what I see is a man who doesn't make decisions based on what others are doing. I make up my own mind and I don't bother with what the flock is up to. Because I'm independent and individual, I sleep very well at night, knowing that when it's all said and done, I was true to myself every moment. And I'm not going to feel guilty about that. Why do I laugh at people changing their pictures to photos of cartoon characters? Because cartoon characters have no depth, and neither do their followers."
He said that and that offends me. Because I have delicate sensibilities and asinine platitudes that aren't comforted by individualist-thinking and virtuous attitudes. So I'm going to pray to God that he catches amoebic dysentery and dies a horrible death, then burns in Hell for all eternity because that's clearly the good Christian thing to do.
Grady laughed at that and that offends me.
What I, and i'm sure everyone else is wondering, not even about this blog, just in general. But dinosaurs on an arc? Come on meow, we all saw Jurassic Park II where they are trying to take a T-Rex across the ocean on some form of aircraft carrier. Said T-rex was enclosed in what I assume to be adamantium, and he slashed through that shit eventually.
ReplyDeleteI'm not doubting Noah had access to these materials as well, because, you know, God made everything. But wood? Did he even hone the mathematical skills to proportion the weight correctly? What about their claws deteriorating the wood? And those things that spit acid, did he properly coat the walls so there were no missing chunks after a scuffle? I demand answers.
Well, if you ask Creationists like my good friend Chris, men and dinosaurs were FRIENDS. Noah probably just said, "Chill bra, we're only in this for forty days and forty nights, so let's just smoke a little of this and then get back to our lives.
ReplyDeleteAnd, as my good friend Chris would mention, the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park were not God's dinosaurs, they were the creation of men trying to BECOME God by manipulating cells. And therefore, they were Satan's dinosaurs (as opposed to Man's, but nothing in Christianity makes sense, so why should this?)
Also, since Noah lived over 900 years, he probably had all sorts of tricks up his sleeve, like the dino-Vulcan neck pinch.