Posts
1. Ice Cream Truck Driver
I understand that summer is approaching quickly and what better way to celebrate than an overpriced Cornetto and a creepy smile? The need for ice cream truck drivers must be about as high as the need for nurses and such, considering that every day more and more men are barred from ice cream truck compatibility by court-ordered restrictions on proximity to children. But, as I have pointed out on numerous occasions, I am great with kids and have a zero percent chance of touching one in inappropriate ways. I would make a great ice cream truck driver because I have an impeccible driving record and I happen to love music which is scientifically designed to melt the average man's brain. It is probably the ice cream truck song that drove all of those men to finger small boys and girls. But I'm immune to it and I would probably come up with profound lyrics to compliment the song. And I would sing it to the children in a fun voice (and to their mothers in a seductive voice). The lyrics will probably be wrought with double entendres. The only problem I have... Is it true that your drivers only get paid by commission on what they sell? If so, you will have to make an exeption in my case as I don't particularly intend to sell any ice cream. I will probably just give it away to the children who look the poorest. Or to thin children who have a fat friend so that when the fat friend wants ice cream I can tell him he's too fat. Then I can watch him cry as I start the ice cream truck song all over again and drive away. Also, I will give free ice cream to attractive women in hopes that it triggers some sort of ice cream-related sexual fantasy in which I can partake. And more likely than not, if there are no poor children, thin children, or attractive women around, I will park the ice cream truck at a bar and get drunk for the majority of the day. So, naturally you will have to pay me hourly wage or, more conveniently, a weekly salary for my performance.
2. Forest Ranger
This entry goes not only for forest rangers, but also for forest preserve police because I understand there is a difference between the two, due to the spelling. Again, the onset of spring and summer has undoubtedly spiked a rise in forest ranger necessity and I'm more than willing to fill those shoes. As long as they are size 12, black, and with non-slip treads on the bottom in case I step in something slick. Also, suction cups on the toes and heels would assist me in climbing smooth surfaces while making spiderman-web-noises. Other than my excellent climbing skills, I believe a career in forest policing is more than ideal for me and I could perform a variety of tasks in this vein, certainly better than your current forest police. When was the last time one of your current officers cited a tree for loitering? Seriously, those trees stand around like homeless people at 711. They don't even collect cans. If you hire me to police your forest preserves, you can count on an immeasurable change in tree loitering. As a matter of fact, you should probably start me off with two citation books rather than the customary one, as I will make an example of every loitering tree I find on the grounds. Is there something ironic about passing out paper tickets to trees? Would that be like issuing a jaywalker a citation printed on a dismembered finger? Furthermore, I would be on constant lookout for illegal campers during the night time hours. I wouldn't remove them from the premises immediately as that would only validate their rebellious actions, but I would instead terrify them to the point of utter humiliation by making eerie noises in the darkness and placing Blair Witch stickmen around the area for them to find. Perhaps, if the campers were drunk or stoned, I could stumble into their campsite and convince them that we had all been transported to the past as a sound effect tape of dinosaur mating calls played in the distance. Also, with the arrival of autumn and the usual cessation of forestry policing, my job could continue on as I would have my hands full issuing littering and public nakedness tickets to the leafless trees. I will gratefully accept this position on the grounds that I am allowed to carry a standard-issued Colt 45 1911A handgun, as there will undoubtedly be sightings of squirells and such out past their curfews.
3.Door to Door Salesman
I recognize the fact that the mobile sales associate has nearly blinked out of existence since the arrival of the internet, but I assure you that I can single-handedly bring the market back. I admittedly have no sales experience outside the "commodities" I used to sell to my hippie friends in high school, but I am superb in the scheme of "bullying." While most salesmen beg their potential clients for a little clemency and a few bucks, I don't take the panhandling approach. My technique is to strongarm stubborn people who don't know what's good for them and heckle them into making decisions that they wouldn't make unless under social distress. Furthermore, I am a logical salesman, as I would approach the prospective clients while the men were at work, because women are generally not as smart as men and are more likely to make poor decisions with their husband's money. Also, this would be a great relief to the women of the world because it would give them a break from vacuuming and cooking and also because I am a veritable god of cunnilingus. In case I run into a stubborn client who is not willing to abide by my strongarm tactics, I can supply my own collection of sharp knives to deal with the situation appropriately. Once word gets around, no one will resist buying whatever product it is that we sell. Even if it is a Snuggie. On top of all this, I plan to generate a lot of unrelated revenue which does not come from the sales of our product, as I will unfailingly steal a small item of moderate value from each residence I visit. While these trinkets will not individually amount to much, the yearly profit from such acquisitions will widen our fiscall margin at literally no outlet cost. Also, I will wear a tie, as long as it has a bright red incandescent arrow pointing to my genitals.
Again, I believe I'm being more than fair in my addressing the job market in this way and you will thank me later for not submitting a personal resume with this request, as it will save you a lot of time and effort in contacting previous employers who don't know anything about the world we live in. Their assinine opinions and "photographic evidence" would only hinder your making the right decision. Thank you for this opportunity, and tell your daughter I said to stop calling me.
-Grady Richards
No comments:
Post a Comment