How to Spot a Criminal (According to a Suburban Housewife)

Hello Blog readers, my name is Emily Popavich and I'm a proud parent of four brilliant, beautiful children.  I became distressed today, when a man wearing all black clothing approached myself and my children in the park.  He was clearly a criminal (I have a sixth, or even a seventh, sense when it comes to detecting them) and I was terrified to see that he was trying to approach us as we played on the swings.  Before pepper-spraying him and running away with my puzzled children in tow, I managed to snap a single photograph.

BEWARE THIS MAN!

Because of my expert's eye on how to detect a criminal, I have decided to compile this list of traits which ALL criminals UNFAILINGLY possess.  There is no need to thank me, as I feel it is my civic duty and creating defensive awareness is, of course, its own reward.  The first thing to look for when trying to spot a criminal...

1. Criminals Wear Black

As I have pointed out in my introduction, black clothing is a vital clue in the true identity of the person you see in the office, on the street, and yes, even in our own neighborhood playgrounds.  Criminals wear black clothing not only because of the benefits of hiding their location when the sun goes down, but mostly because it reflects how they feel about themselves and how they feel about the world we live in.  I once ran into a gathering of some of the most dangerous criminals in the area and, once again, I managed to snap a single photograph.  

 The one in the skirt is clearly the syndicate boss.

I was shocked and enraged to find that some of the men and women in the above picture live descreetly in my own neighborhood.  Needless to say, I won't be inviting them to our next dozen barbeques.  

2.  Beware African Americans

Before I get a barrage of mail describing me as racist, I want to point out that I once knew an African American child in grammar school.  And her family relocated after her father was cited for littering a public park.  Not all African American's are criminals.  That thought is simply uneducated supposition.  But the fact (FACT) is that African American's are responsible for more than 98% of all crimes in the United States.  Another 1% of crimes are committed by white people with African American in their recent ancestry.  I seem to have misplaced my citation on this one, but once I re-find my source, I will update.  There was an African American going door to door in my community just last week, and I'm pretty sure he was casing our neighborhood for the likeliest houses to burglarize so he could purchase crack-cocaine and malt liquor.  I didn't have my camera on me as I cowered beneath the desk in my husband's office, but fortunately, Jen Hanscom of the Neighborhood Watch managed to take a picture.

 The bag is where he keeps his Glock.

3.  People with Pagers are Scum.

Everyone knows that the only people who use pagers nowadays are unforgivable drug dealers.  Drug dealers that push their nefarious products on innocent children in schoolyards.  If you see a man with a pager, call the police immediately, as they are most likely carrying large amounts of PCP and the reefer.  And you aren't safe anywhere.  Drug dealers, unlike the criminals I've mentioned already, are getting better and better at disguising themselves.  The man visiting your office with the briefcase?  That briefcase is a portable meth-lab.  The teenager walking home with the violin case?  That case is filled with psilocybin mushrooms.  The only thing that gives these pimps and drug-pushers away is their pager.  Be on the lookout.  I saw a drug dealer checking his pager just last week, at my own doctor's office!

That stethoscope converts to a cocaine-snorting apparatus.

Because these criminals have seemingly taken over every community in America, it is important- no, it is VITAL- that you memorize contact information to your Neighborhood Watch, local fire department, hospital, and police.  Furthermore, give YOUR contact information to neighborhood police officers.  I have even gone so far as to give my local cop the code to my burglar alarm and safe, so that he may check in on my home while my family is at the lake house this weekend.

The police are the only thing that makes me feel safe.