Attention, Potential Employers

Because I am borderline unemployed, I thought I would utilize my literary skills and social network to try and increase my yearly income via a new and improved profession.  Aside from being borderline unemployed, I am unfortunately borderline retarded and I have little-to-no applicable skills in the real world, though I feel there are areas in which I will excel beautifully if given a chance to blossom. The following is a list of positions I would be willing to work and why I believe I am qualified for each.


1.  School Teacher
I have stated that I have little understanding of the world- hell, I'm not even sure how to deposite money into my bank account, which explains why I am perpetually poor and drunk- but I believe this would be an incredible asset as a teacher in your educational establishment.  Because I don't know the square root of dick about the world, it makes perfect sense that I follow the curriculum to a tee.  No more worrying about overly ambitious faculty teaching outside-the-box material to the children.  In this sense- and this sense only- I am a perfect conformist.  I will teach only what you tell me to teach- as I will be learning it right along with them.  I'm incredibly good at reading from text books in a rehearsed manner which makes it seem that I already know everything.  Furthermore, I have my own business cards which say "Grady Richards: Freelance Baby Puncher," and becoming a teacher of children would be a perfect outlet for these cards to actually make sense.  I can hand them out to the parents during conferences and PTA meetings.  This will show the parents that not only am I professional, but I will discipline their unruly children sternly and that I don't take my role in society too seriously.  Plus, I have unfathomable experience in writing my own name on blackboards and this will come in handy when introducing myself to the unsuspecting students for the first time.

2.  Lumberjack
I know there aren't many logging areas in Northern Illinois, but I am willing to relocate on the grounds that there are some very upset and less than ethical organizations that are looking for me in relation to some of the scathing things I've written about their "Don."  I think lumberjacking somewhere in Canada or even in some of the larger forests on the moon would probably be suitable.  Other than my willingness to travel, I am pretty handy with an axe, as I once used one to open a gate that was locked.  I also have experience balancing one on top of my head, but I'd rather not exhibit that skill until I finish paying off the medical bills from the last time.  Also, I have a close relationship to trees as I once went on a date with a girl who claimed to be 1/8 Willow.  This kinship with trees will probably be traumatizing to me as I cut them down, imagining that I can hear their screams, but this will only encourage the other lumberjacks to be more sensitive in their deforestation efforts and will probably improve the image of lumberjacks considerably.  On a related note, I look remarkable in flannel and I can probably bring the trend back to the top of the fashion pyramid single-handedly.  I can provide my own beard, of course.  I understand that lumberjacks must utilize a number of tools other than the aforementioned axe and I believe I am more than experienced in each.  I have been using saws since an early age; a number of times I sawed the legs off of chairs for no discernable reason.  I also use them to make Hawaiian-sounding music in parks while people drop nickels and dimes into a hat for me.  I have a solid fanbase and they are more than willing to part with their spare change to further my career as a professional saw-player.  Lumberjacks also occasionally drive trucks.  I drove a truck (once) and you will find during my background check that my truck-driving record is impeccible, as I have only one insurance claim totalling less than 100,000 dollars.

3.  Rock Star
If you look into my interests, you will find that I am a mediocre musician with enough charisma to make up for my lack of talent.  I also thoroughly enjoy heavy metal and, therefore, I have an insight into what is expected from heavy metal musicians.  I am willing to grow my hair long and get more tattoos, if required.  Also, I am a big fan of reading because it makes people believe I have a personality and intellectual integrity.  Because I read things to mask my vapid and soulless void of a life, I'm quite knowledgable in occult writings and more obscure things, which is important in the heavy metal world.  I could make on-stage references to Dante's Inferno, as it is a story about Hell and heavy metal fans are into that sort of thing.  Also, I could write songs about Illuminati and construct a guitar solo with the sole purpose of brainwashing fans upon hearing it.  Another aspect of the heavy metal world is travelling and, as I stated in the Lumberjack Section, I am more than willing to relocate many times.  Also, I believe I am qualified to have unprotected sex with barely-legal fans, catch Hepatitis X, and sire more children than Elvis, providing that the record label pays for their upbringing and therapy.  I can also head bang in awkward situations which would make for great Youtube video opportunities.

4.  Birthday Clown
If you have read my article on Fun Games to Pay with Your Baby, you undoubtedly already know that I'm great with children.  However, my approach to my future position as a Birthday Clown is more original than that.  Thanks to Stephen King and John Wayne Gacey, people already despise and fear clowns, am I right?  It is my objective in my potential career as a clown to scare the utter bejesus out of children and parents alike- I can be rather creepy when the situation demands it.  Just ask the plethora of women with active restraining orders against me.  What is the purpose of this?  Simply to give foundation to the fear of clowns.  Everyone already loathes them, but it is almost entirely without merit.  Rather than trying to redeem clowns in the eyes of the world, I will simply give their abhorrance substance.  And I'm qualified for this position outside of innate creepiness.  I am also not in the least bit funny- though I amuse myself to no end while making things awkward, painful, or downright offensive to all others within earshot.  I know how to make balloon snakes, which is useful because if there's one thing people despise more than clowns, it is snakes.  Also, I would really like to squirt water in people's eyes through one of those flower-in-the-breast-pocket-things.

5. Podiatrist
This one is more of a Conglomerate Investment Opportunity, rather than a single position.  Let's say you own a respected foot clinic, but you just aren't generating enough revenue to pay for your car, house, and divorce all at once.  And remember that indoor, in-ground pool full of gold coins you've always wanted?  Grady's business plan can make it happen.  First, ally your business monetarily with a prosthetics company and a wheelchair company.  And if you have time, a pharmacuetical giant specializing in pain killers and antidepressants.  Second, hire me and give me an honorary PhD in podiatry.  Third, swim in your pool of coins like Uncle Scrooge in Duck Tales.  As I am a man with out a soul- save for the two soles on my feet (it's a podiatry joke, I have tons of them) I have no problem whatsoever "misdiagnosing" common foot-borne ailments as gangrene, instep cancer, or lower-sciatic parvo.  Each of these ailments require amputation, often times double amputation.  Now, I understand that people will research these things after the emergency-amputation and will likely sue you, but that's what malpractice insurance is for.  It wouldn't hurt to divert a fraction of your newfound income into the overseas bank accounts of several judges, either.  Because I have no morals, conscience, or understanding of feet, I will simply decide that every patient who hobbles into my office requires swift and inexpensive removal of their limbs.  Remember that conglomeration of your office with prosthetics and wheelchair manufacturers?  The profit sharing will make you richer than the Pope in an estimated six months.  And the pharmacuetical companies?  Each amputee will find themselves in a considerable amount of physical, emotional, and mental agony, requiring a veritable truckload of expensive drugs in order to accomplish even the most tedious of daily routines.  Stick with Grady and you will be in a Fortune 500 in no time.  Subsequently, you will also be condemned to Hell.  If you believe in that sort of thing.

I hope this reaches enough potential employers to ensure my success in locating an appropriate and preferably six-figure career for myself.  I think I have proven my ingenuity in fields which I have yet to know literally anything about.  And you can be certain that my ideas will only increase exponentially as I gain experience and enough money to continue drinking my inspiration.  Don't even worry about scheduling an interview.  I will start work tomorrow.  Thank you, and you will doubtlessly regret this.

Grady Richards