My handicapped neighbor with melophobia

 

To whom this does concern,

    It has become very apparent to me that one of my neighbors happens to be a handicap who suffers from a very horrible case of melophobia. I wish this not to be true, but due to recent events that have occurred I must assume it is. This became very clear to me while I was outside cleaning my garage last week. I was taking advantage of the nice weather and enjoying some music while I cleaned. Not too long after I started on my journey towards cleanliness I received a visit from Joliet's finest. He informed me of a noise complaint that has been called in about me, and asked if I could turn down my music. I replied, "I most certainly will my good sir" and carried on.

Now, based on the events I previously described the only logical reason one of you wonderful neighbors would choose to phone the police instead of walking a few feet to ask a nice strapping young neighbor to please turn down his music would have to be because you are handicapped. I feel very sorry that you have to deal with such a terrible ailment, and for me to trip your fear of music into overdrive on top of that makes me feel that I have wronged you in such a terrible way. It must be terrible to be locked in your house stuck listening to whatever music your annoying neighbors decide to play for you. To make this up to you I vow from this day forth I will come over once a week to take you for walks to the pond. We can feed the frogs and listen to you complain about all the young rascals that walk by and bother you in some way. I would offer to whistle you a nice tune, since that is a specialty of mine, but I know what that does to your brain so I will resist. If you are lucky maybe we can play a game I bet you are very fond of, called 'let's stare at this fish tank and wonder what they would be doing if they could walk.'(They would probably line dance or prance around on stilts to make the poorer fish that can't afford stilts jealous.) I am getting excited as I write this, so we should get this ball rolling right away.

Since I don't know who you are yet, I will not be able to provide you with what I think is a very appropriate apology until you make yourself known. The fact that you can't make it over and greet me yourself serves to make this a little tricky, but I have a solution. I assume you own a pirate flag (who doesn't). Take said flag and hang it in your back window, this will help me differentiate your house from everyone else who receives this letter. When you decide to carry this out is up to you of course. When you do decide to I will be as happy as a unicorn skipping through a field of lollipops to stop by and get you out of that cramped ol' townhome and rolling down the street.

Your soon to be bestest friend,

Rick

 

P.S. I have included a picture of myself jockeying a dolphin for your fridge.