To the Lesbian I was Making Out with Last Night

Dear Random, Anonymous Lesbian,

My name is Heather and apparently things got pretty hot and heavy between us last night.  I, of course, have no recollection of this, as I was wasted and it was my birthday (YAY, me!).  But I came into work today to find out from my rather amused co-workers that you and I made some sort of a connection.  With our tongues.  I don't know who you are and this makes things pretty awkward for me, as I don't know what you look like or where your mouth has been.

I'm not saying that I mind having met you last night, but if you could make yourself known to me that would be great.  I'm not a lesbian, nor am I bisexual, but since I can't seem to find a decent man made entirely out of penis, money, and chocolate, I'm interested in exploring my options with you.  I am particularly intrigued about the part where your hand was up my shirt as, from my experience, men don't know how to properly stimulate a nipple, or anything else for that matter.  Apparently, you and I disappeared for a little while and no one knows where we went.  I'm sure we were just talking about my dog and swapping stories about bargain-shopping at Target, but then again, I don't know for sure.  By the way, you probably thought that my bra was from Victoria's Secret, but I actually bought it at Target for eight dollars.  Please don't think less of me.

Like I said, I'm not sexually interested in females, but the first thing I remember when I woke up this morning is that I was wearing all my clothes and my coat, but not my pants.  I know it's incredibly unlikely, but there is a chance that maybe you decided to celebrate my birthday with a little cunnilingus, and then left before I woke up.  If that's the case, I would really like to know who you are so that I can find out when your birthday is and maybe return the favor.

But I'm not a lesbian.

Kisses!  Heather.