Monday, April 5, 2010
Games to Play with Your Baby
If there's anybody out there who loves playing games and not growing up, it's me. I'm like Peter Pan, but without the tights, fairy friend, happy thoughts, and entourage of merry orphans. So I'm nothing like Peter Pan, I'm just immature. And if you're immature, you are probably just like me. But more irresponsible in bed, which is why you have a baby. But, hey, I'm a generous guy and I've quite altruistically thought of some fun games you can play with your baby, when I could have just included a list of pet names women have given my penis.
Babies are not only a great way to ensure you stay broke and miserable, but they are also an outlet for creativity and great scapegoats when the time calls for it. Believe, me; I know. Every now and again some trusting and all-too-naive friend asks me to babysit for a day so they can go to therapy or get hair plugs to disguise their frustrated tearing habits and I've compiled a list of what I believe to be the most amusing and useful attributes of having a baby.
1. Napkin
So you're sitting on the couch, watching the Blackhawks beat the snot out of that other hockey team... the one that doesn't matter, when you sneeze disturbingly dark mucous all over your own chin or spill molten nacho cheese on your crotch. We've all been there, right? The great news is: that baby is there for you; the perfect accessory (both in crime and fashion terms). Not only can you pick up that child and wipe clean your face or crotch on his Bob the Builder T-shirt, but the baby will- in most cases- laugh right with you. He's just happy that you're happy. Furthering the usefulness of this trick, when someone else walks in the room, the baby's a typically messy baby with his stained shirt and you're looking sharp. No one ever questions a thing.
2. Chick Magnet
Be careful with this one: While it is true that your cuddly little baby is going to attract all sorts of attention from the opposite sex, he or she will simultaneously ensure an immediate cock-block right along with it. No woman in her right mind is going to have casual sex with a man who has a baby, as it is usually indicative of said man having a woman in his life. Luckily for us, guys, there are tons of women out there who aren't in their right mind. This is why I say proceed with caution. If the piece of ass you picked up while taking your kid through the park suddenly breaks your rib with a 40 ounce Steel Reserve and keys your car, you can't pretend to be surprised. Women with loose morals don't exactly have their heads screwed on. There is a positive side to this, however. Your baby is not only a chick magnet, but it seems to draw unmerited amounts of attention from grandmotherly old women with dead husbands, grown children, and plenty of time on their hands to babysit for you when you want to take the missus to the bar, just like the old days. Make friends with old women, just ask my room mate.
3. Subject Changer/Emergency Getaway
Let's face it, babies are already professional subject changers. You're sitting at the table having a conversation about something interesting, important, or otherwise applicable to your life, when little Johnny or Susie falls on his/her butt and starts laughing/crying like a loon. Say goodbye to whatever you were saying before this happened, because the other people in the room have had their attentions successfully diverted. And that baby did it on purpose. They are good at what they do and they understand that even Daddy needs to do this from time to time. And they'll never hold a grudge. The trick is this: You ran into someone you don't like at the grocery store, post office, or opium den and you're holding your baby trying to think of a single damn phrase that will end the awkward conversation and let you get a few steps closer to that six pack at the end of the night. Discreetly pinch the baby's leg and it will willingly start wailing like a banshee lost in a heavy fog. A screaming baby is always grounds to walk away- from any situation- without further word. Your baby might sound like it's in pain, but it's really just a great accomplice.
4. Carpet Cleaner
Now, I'm not saying you should use your child as a vacuum cleaner. That's what your lady is for. But imagine that sitting-on-the-couch-watching-the-Blackhawks scenario from number one. You've got a bowl of Cheetos, popcorn, whatever in your lap and you happen to notice a few morsels slip over the rim and tumble down to the carpet. Don't get up! Just take little Johnny or Susie from the cushion beside you and ease him/her down to the floor. That baby will be happy to oblige. The most important step in this trick however, is to act puzzled and mildly concerned when the baby doesn't eat much at dinner.
5. Doggy Hump-Toy
This one is similar to the last one, but instead of cleaning up one of your messes, your baby is kindly diverting the attention of your sister's little yapping dog humping the shit out of your leg every time you come over to borrow money. Just put the kid on the floor and it'll do all the work.
6.Stealing Small Products from Electronic Stores
This tip is by far the most valuable and you'll be kicking yourself for not thinking of it already. Your baby's diaper is like a cold sore on someone's mouth- or a person in a wheelchair who needs assistance over a curb- people just don't look at it. Examining someone else's baby's diaper is a good way to wind up introducing yourself to your neighbors every time you inevitably move to a new area. If you're at a store and you want to own certain small objects without the hassel of paying for them, simply slide them down into the underoos of your favorite partner in crime. If, on your way out, you happen to set off the electronic security devices, cooperate while Barney Fife examines the contents of your pockets, bags, and receipts. You're in the clear. Because if security does smell a rat and decide to check your baby's no-no areas, just scream "Pedophile!" at the top of your lungs and you will be ushered unscathed to your car before you can say "suckers."
Another tip I've recently heard is to line your baby's diaper with aluminum foil before going on your fun shoplifting date. This will allegedly hide any security devices from the detectors altogether.
I hope you have enjoyed these amusing and useful ways to play with your otherwise loathsome child. Because coming together with your offspring is probably rewarding, in some way or another. And there is nothing which brings generations together like mutual disrespect for authority, society, and propriety.
Happy playing!
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Hahaha...napkins!
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